The other day while I was out training I took some images which reflect what the journey over the last few years has been like for me. As most of you will know Fiona (My late wife) was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer in March 2019. And it would be fair to say that our world went into to turmoil at the realisation that at 41 that this could be fatal for Fiona. But we were also full of hope as the Doctors were pretty optimistic of a good outcome.
But it felt like someone had started a destructive fire in our world, and it started to ravage all sorts of dreams and plans that we had made as a couple. I had just finished being a Senior Pastor for 10 years and was pretty emotionally, physically, and spiritually spent. Fiona was supposed to be taking the lead and being the main bread winner for the family for a season. She had been appointed as team leader of the junior syndicate at school and was really loving the new role and excited about the prospect of leading and growth with the new responsibility. She was also looking at options for some postgraduate study in Literacy. Anyway Fiona and I had to both pretty much let go of all of those hopes and dreams and face the reality that we were now fighting for her life. Radiation, Surgery, Chemo and more Chemo. An ileostomy and then later a reversal after 15months.
Somewhere about the middle of 2020 where were told that things were looking Good all of her numbers were tracking in the right direction. Then I was approached to take on a Regional Leader Role for the Baptist Movement which meant a move to Wellington. Both Fiona and I felt a strong sense of call and things fell into place but it was still a challenging journey. We were just starting to find our feet in Wellington Fiona had landed a really good job which she loved and she had enrolled in some postgraduate study. Then in August of 2021 during a lockdown Fiona was asked to come in for a scan as something wasn’t quite right with her bloods. I wasn’t allowed to go in with her so wandered the streets taking some pics while I waited for the call that I could collect her. It was horrible waiting and not being allowed to be with her.
Then a couple of days later they called and said she needed to come in and meet with the Doctors. And they said I could come along as well, which made us think immediately this can’t be good if they are letting me come under level 4 lockdown. I remember sitting in the waiting room together holding hands and wishing that it was good news they had for us. When we went into meet with the Doctors, Fiona in true, Fiona fashion said I need to take off my mask for a second so you can see who I really am if you going to tell me I am dying. The Doctor and the nurse both removed their masks as well, following her lead as did I. They then proceeded to tell us that what Fiona believed was a sore back from walking the dog and her pulling something in her back was actually an inoperable tumour at the base of her spine in her sacrum.
They still spoke with hope as there were still treatment options, more radiation and Chemo and they could be effective in shrinking the tumour. But it was like someone had lit the fire again it was starting to ravage all of our hopes and dreams all over again. To say that the next few months were pretty horrible would be an understatement. But life still rolled on with birthdays and school camps, renovating the house with the help of awesome friends, my 50th, BMX, family holidays and camping with friends all while Fiona was battling through the pain. Then towards the end of 2022 we got the news as Fiona pain worsened that the cancer was terminal it was going to take her life it was just a matter of when. We were told by the Palliative Care team at Wellington Hospital that the best thing we could do was to tell the kids as soon as possible. This seemed like a cruel trick. But their logic was good, they explained it is their deepest fear that she is going to die, so when that is realised then you are able to get to making the most of the time that you have left with the person. It was one of the hardest things we have ever done telling our 3 gorgeous kids that their Mum who they treasure and love so deeply only has a limited time to live. The doctors didn’t know how long she had.
As a family we decided that we needed to relocate back to New Plymouth because we had a bigger village there to care for us as a whanau. Most of Fiona’s treatment options had been exhausted. So anything she could have could be done in Taranaki. It was pretty much more Chemo and some radiation which both had terrible side-effects. Fiona was incredible through the whole thing and endured horrific pain and discomfort. At the beginning of 2024 they told Fiona and I in the hospital sitting with a team of doctors that she had weeks or short months left. And it switched to trying to manage symptoms and make her as comfortable as possible for the time she had left. We started to trying and do all of the things that we had been putting off. Like taking family pictures, and saying all the things that you don’t want to be left unsaid.
Fiona continued to face so many challenges, but pushed through and kept us laughing and reminding us of the joy of life. But then on April 4th 2024 Fiona’s body finally gave up the fight and she died peacefully. Two years ago how can that be?
And the fire started again but this time it felt all consuming and it felt like it was ravaging everything all around us. I felt like I couldn’t breathe at times and didn’t know what to do. But life continued on as it does, with our 23rd wedding anniversary 3 days after she died and then Emma’s 16th Birthday on the 10th. So hard but as a Dad I just had to keep on going and things just rolled on.
But now two years later it feels different the pain and the grief are still there but not in the same way. As I looked at the area ravaged by the fire down by our local beach I could see the parallels with my life that, while the evidence of the fire is still all around there is also signs of new life starting to sprout forth again.
There are new things happening for me and each of the kids. Emma has just celebrated her 18th Birthday and what a gorgeous young lady she is. So proud of the way that she is handling this journey and processing her own grief and loss. And Reuben my eldest has just had his 21st and he is loving his communications degree in Auckland and being an RA in the hostel this year. He is doing great! And Rhys is now taller than me at 14 and is showing real talent on the guitar and also impressive skills and stamina on the mountain bike. They also all have a really vibrant and mature faith and love for Jesus which is so cool. But the pain and grief of losing their Mum is never far from the surface there are constant reminders.
I have these parts n my life that have been scorched bare by the fire of grief that has ravaged my life over the last 7 years or so. Then there are the parts which haven’t quite been scorched but they have been severally damaged and they are shrivelled and dying and will eventually fall off and die completely. And finally there are the parts of my life where there is a new season and things are starting to flourish and there is life and hope sprouting again. I know that eventually the whole tree will be green again, but if you look closely there will be scars and marks there from the fire that I have been through.
The thing that has enabled me to keep going and to be focused on what lies ahead is my faith in Jesus Christ. Fiona had the words “This is not the end of my story…” tattooed on her left arm. She heard God say that to her as she was about to start her very first session of Radiation Treatment in May 2019. She believed as do I that her death in April 2024 wasn’t the end of her story because we will be reunited with her again when we die because of the life found in and through Christ. But it is also not the end of her story as her legacy lives on in me and our kids and each of us who remember her and celebrate all that she brought into this world. But it has also been the knowledge that Jesus is with me every step of this journey and he has been faithful and his Peace that surpasses all understanding and his Grace that is sufficient have been real and constant in the last couple of years.
As I am about to begin this physical journey ahead on the Camino I don’t know everything that is around the corner and that is ok. I don’t have all the answers and that is ok as well. But I do know that I have a loving and wonderful family and extended family who care for me and my kids deeply. But remarkably at the end of last year I found love again with a widow who has a similar journey to mine and I will be getting married to my wonderful fiancée Yona in July this year as we start a new chapter together, not forgetting what has been but embracing it and celebrating the incredible people we got to do the first part of this journey with in Fiona and Greg (Yona’s Late husband). But I also know that the God who created the universe, the same one who offered himself up as a sacrifice on a cross for me, walks with me. In fact he is the one that provides the path I walk on and he is the one who gives me sustenance for all that I will encounter on this journey that is life.
Buen Camino
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